I swallowed an entire piece of humble pie and got roasted for charity recently. Canoe mates, outdoor podcasters, writers, musicians, my partner and a puppet named Gary took shots at me for 2.5 hours. It was awesome!

The Roast Master himself was Dennis Rogers, the host of the popular YouTube show Canoehound Adventures. He had the guests all lined up in the green room and brought one up at a time to slather me with offensive jokes and insults.

fdgdfKevin Callan

First up was C.W. Goetz from the well-known American podcast The Camping Show. He let everyone know how I was one of the best “Canadian drunks” in the canoe show circuit. It was better than when Snoop Dogg roasted Donald Trump (prior to the oval office).

Next was my good canoe buddy, Andy Baxter—owner of Recreational Barrel Works. He’s been labelled by paddlers as the Red Skelton of the canoe world, and he didn’t disappoint. He told tale after tale of my inabilities out on trip. It was just as shocking as when Martha Stewart roasted Justin Bieber.

Sean Rowley of Paddling Adventure Radio took his turn, telling stories of me singing to wild turkey’s at the Quit Water Canoe Symposium in Michigan, and how I refused to be rescued by him when I injured myself on a solo trip in Killarney because I didn’t want to hear about it time and time again on his show. He reminded me of Lucile Ball—but with a full-length beard.

Tim Foley of the outdoor store Canadian Outdoor Equipment nailed it! He was throwing one-liners faster than Don Rickles on the Dean Martin roasts. I’ll never be able to look at him the same again. This deep thinking, philosophical paddler turned into Carrot Top roasting Gene Simmons of Kiss.

Well-known writer Hap Wilson came on to remind me that I got everything I know from him—especially how to make true camp coffee. Hap said that my fans have called me Canadian Canoeing Royalty, but he knows I’m just a Hap Wilson wannabe!

Then famed outdoor writer Cliff Jacobson came on to once again teach me how to properly deal with bears at camp and remind me I drink bad whisky brands. It was like Betty White roasting William Shatner.

Singer and songwriter Jerry Vandiver roasted me with a song. The chorus was “Kevin Callan drinks whisky by the gallon, he should be on Jimmy Fallon, Kristine (my partner) says he’s a stallion.” It was definitely one of the highlights of the evening.

Gary the Puppet made his appearance and let’s just say he’s still my arch nemesis. He’s like Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, a perfect member of a roast dais. His entire life is a roast! It was as awkward as guest Courtney Love during the Pamela Anderson roast.

To finish off the night was my partner, Kristine Redmond. What a perfect person to give the roast closure. She cracked everyone up with poetry and absolute silliness. Love ya babe.

Hundreds of paddlers joined in, and the best part is that the host, Dennis, created Kevin Callan Celebrity Roast Commemorative Decals. It cost $10 to order one, and all profits go to one of my favourite charities, Project Canoe.

Make sure to check out the roast on Dennis’s CanoeHound Adventures show on YouTube. These are only available until Christmas then they are gone.